Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Found your dick twin last night
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
