Heybabeimwearingurpanties
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
