I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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