you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
