3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
