Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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