Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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