Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
