I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
