I looked at my own cervix.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Your penis caused this!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
