new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
