My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
