Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
