I smell stomach acid.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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