whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
