For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
