and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
