Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i was born a porn star she said
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
