If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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