can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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