I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
