my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
