I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
