I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
