In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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