If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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