I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
