So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
