just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
