I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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