why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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