my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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