he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize
