Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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