When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
