My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
