I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
