why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
