I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
