I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
