I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
