Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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