I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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