No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
