Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
