well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
