i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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