I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
