Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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