Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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