Just fell off a train. Bad.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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