So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
