I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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