i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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