Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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