so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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