M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
