NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
