There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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