So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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