Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Randomize
